im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
First, he can't make me cum.. And now, he can't get it up because he LOVES me?!!??! i don't think so.
I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
The visine ive been using for four yrs expired. in sept. of 2001.....i will never question my eye problems again.
There's people holding up abortion signs everywhere. I guess the people of Florida want you to remember you fucked up on Spring Break.
think they'd let him outta jail for my wedding? we could have him back by like midnight....
No sexy Asian girl. No comfy bed. I'm just gonna lie here in the hall next to the garbage can until someone comes home.
Annabeth just got on the bar and slurred something about how she was worried that when she started dating you your penis wouldnt fit. You are one lucky bastard my friend.
Yep. It's going to be us, strippers, and drag queens.
A glittery, gay, heavily makeuped, scantily dressed clusterfuck.
I'm sorry I did drugs then got really loud and bitchy at your party and judged your choice in one night stands.
The only way that night could have gotten any better would be if a unicorn would descend from the heavens with a nacho bell grande in a bag around its horn beat boxing Hakunah Matata.
Dude just texted me asking if I could drive 45 mins for a quickie dude use your hand
It's still 8am.
Yeah, but its wine drunk. WITH A DOCTOR. THAT MAKES MY MORNING CLASSY.
I didn't know how wild the party was going to be until one girl brought her pet raccoon
I texted him "my vagina is pounding for you"
I know, you made me proof read it.
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