Looks like an M-80 went off in a lb. of pastrami
Sorry I couldn't answer your call, I'm expecting a call from Chris Hansen.
I'm guessing you didn't end up going to the bar last night.
Nope. Ended up at what I believe was a slumber party down the street.
i stapled my math hw together with an ear ring, too ghetto?
No gym. Sooooo hung over. Just puked up the water I drank and it still has ice cubes in it.
I know I'm all grown up when I don't have to take my pregnancy test in the store bathroom anymore.
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
just had wine and brownie batter for dinner. Single life is good
There is a newly found video on my phone of me following you to the bathroom to watch you throw up. sorry I didn't hold your hair
She walked home carrying a six pack of beer and someone elses cat
SHE BETTER HAVE BROUGHT BACK MY FUCKING COUCH CUSIONS OR SHES GUNNA GET IT.
I can dream in two languages, but it's still about ripping a bong.
By 11 pm the pants were off and there was no turning back. But on the bright side, you promised me your CDs when you died, you even signed a napkin saying so.
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
Cocaine and dance dance revolution for 4 hours. I consider last night a success.
You peed in a public fountain and then felt bad so you put dish soap in it; 4 ft tall bubbles.
He picked me up in Smart Car with the license plate “MYWHIP.” I think my ovaries shriveled up and died.
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