Tell mom and/or dad that I am going to be home late. I am really blazed. Don't tell them that part, though.
I'm at the airport and there's a guy wearing all camoflash to go hunting .. Should I bump in to him and say woahh sorry didn't see you there?
..i think i can hear you losing your virginity
Either I'm a lot drunker than I thought, or he has three dicks....
I think I'm gonna have to go with the first one...
Every shot buddy I have I end up blowing. I don't know whether this pattern is good or bad.
Are you alive?
I googled "I don't want to vomit anymore," and "how to rip out your uvula," at 9 am this morning, but I'm still here. Uvula and all.
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
At second job interview this week. Wearing pants to hide pole dancing bruises. This my life.
Nah, just ran around, pinned random men to walls, bit their lips of and booked it.
I asked him why the bed was wet and got.."well there are two options... and its not you."
I mean, who doesn't have an ex involved with bath salts?
I've made out with more people in 2014 than I did the whole fall semester
I FEEL LIKE HILARY MUST FEEL WHEN TRUMP MANSPLAINS AT HER
He picked me up in Smart Car with the license plate “MYWHIP.” I think my ovaries shriveled up and died.
You think my vibrator will be okay in the dishwasher?
Randomize
