Who's your beautiful friend? Please include the words "Straight", "Single", and "Legal" in your response.
god I hate her. why can't she just fuck and leave like a normal slut.
She's like Mona Lisa when she's intoxicated. No one understands her but they all think she's marvelous
She nearly killed the mood when she said "Don't cum on my spray tan"
..She then engaged in what she called an "interpretive pole dance"
we didnt even have break up sex...
you had it for us with someone else...
Hung over. Bed full of legos for some reason. Not getting up. Come build stuff with me.
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
Yepp, I had to be the one to explain that the girl who was slapping people in the face with a dildo was my drunk girlfriend.
Watching the wiggles while tripping on acid is the scariest fucking thing of all time
Well then she has to know whoever you were kissing was in overalls because that's not a detail you just leave out.
LIKE ALL I WANT TO CURE MY HANGOVER IS PORKROLL AND LIKE 85% OF THIS COUNTRY DOESN'T KNOW WHAT IT IS
yeah but really his dick tasted like soap. like i was blowing a bar of soap
we didn't even throw knives this time! it was just the carrot peeler
when they cut me off i played the entire Justin Bieber playlist and left for another bar that didn't think i'd had enough to drink
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