I hate your face
1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
i think i have reached a jessica simpson level of regret
Taking shot for every red box on your worst bracket. I have 30. I might die tonight.
Tried to steal a keytar from my hook up's house.
The doctor told me if I woke up with a broken foot and don't know how it happened, I might want to look into getting treatment.
Just did lines off your face, congrats on getting in the magazine bro
I just took my birth control on the way to class with a 1/2 melted jello shot I happened to find in my purse from Friday night. I told you I was going hard this year.
and after i failed the breathalyzer i said to the cop "i've never been very good at tests"....
Remember that time we got drunk tomorrow
NOT EVEN KIDDING RIGHT NOW. THE GUY IN THE SPIDERMAN COSTUME JUST FELL OFF THE ROOF INTO A BABY POOL. GET HERE NOW!!
Yeah I'm at work. Nothing like the threat of blowing chunks on passing cars to make you feel alive.
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
What kind of terrible faithless God would allow vodka and one ply toilet paper to coexist?
I can't believe he's mad at you for not remembering your fake anniversary.
Randomize
