just put a funnel in my mouth and pour the tequila in with a little emergen-c
Please don't tell me I was shouting "I'm bleeding from my vagina" in front of my ex-boyfriend and his new girlfriend.
Please stop using the dehumidifier for your weed.
Hahahaha you would not believe what I just pulled out of my vagina. Actually you probably wouldn't be surprised.
I just took a shower and found half a cookie melted under my boob. Please tell me there's a reason
All I know is I was dancing to Shakira in his alley and I think rubbing my junk on his car door.
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
Remember when you tried to talk but you could only count by 2s?
My vagina has made plenty life decisions and I would like to point out very few if not any of them were in my favor.
It was like the icing on a beautiful fuck boy cake.
drunk me cartwheeled over a turtle sandbox & slit my foot open on a cinder block. how do you explain that to a doctor?
I woke up to him crying and pouring pixy stix in my mouth saying they would bring me back to life.
Why do all my exes just become Tom Hanks in Castaway?
That's a fantastic question. And an odd set of criteria to meet if wanting to date you.
If he flies out here I will sleep with him. I have morals, but not when it comes to southern accents
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
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