He finally told me that he's married. I guess it doesn't really matter.
If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
Whats the opposite of morning wood? Whatever its called, everyone saw it when it fell out.
so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
We shared that special kind of eye contact that can only be experienced when you know one party is saying "Oh god, I fucked him in the back seat when you were in the front, didn't I."
And why did 3 people fail to stop me from literally getting a piggy back ride from the bar to his apartment?!
My fuck buddy took time out of his date with his girlfriend to text me happy Valentines Day.
someone to text and fuck? since when does that constitute a relationship?
since 2006
btw my frat has a search out for you. the "girl who threw up in the middle of the party" but it was on some fat girls. so thank you.
We need a shit load of segways right now
Monday afternoon and I'm still hungover from Valentine's Day. I think I'm winning at the single life.
So i had a lucid dream about blowing myself. This is why people love me
It's my birthday, dammit, and I'm getting something for free. I don't care if it's just a drink at the bar.
YOU CAN GET THIS DICK FOR FREE
How does it feel to date your dad?
I think I'm gunna glue a sign to my head that says "WAKE ME UP BEFORE 7!" And go to sleep and hope a kind passer by wakes me up for my exam .
Randomize
