So I came home baked last night and made about 60% of my jeans into jorts...
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
Those two lesbians inspired me. A whole new way to roll. Fuck shots. Gallons of vodka is the new tequila.
Nothing says never again like hurling in the shower.
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
i’m not very adjusted to having free time. for example, I forgot how much fun it is to masturbate.
I've figured out why I love winter sex. Because I make them leave the beanie on, and we all know I love a man in a beanie.
When she sees your dick for the first time, tell her it glows blue when orcs are close
I just want to lay in a bed of egg mcmuffins and cry
You were a for sure 10. You put on a traffic cone to meet someone.
It's Reggie from Taco Bell, send me a pic.
Haha never eat brownies from a guy with batman pajamas
My liver needs me to go back to work asap.
My dad called me in the middle of the night, drunk on vodka, asking for references on the Irish alphabet.
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
Randomize
