another holiday season passes without receiving a dick in a box, where did i go wrong in life?
I just saw the nastiest chick.
Where?
woke up next to her... fuck you jack daniels, fuck you
Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
There were slices of bread pasted to the wall with peanut butter this morning. I don't want to know
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
I probably looked like a mental patient. I had my IV in one hand and cup of pee in the other, swaying around with a dazed grin on my face. I love vicodin.
If you ever bitch out on 72oz margarita night again, this friendship is over
Did you ask me to bring you a t-shirt to class or did I just dream that?
No, I did. It's a long story.
I don't know what's more sad. The fact that I'm genuinely impressed about being sober for a whole 3 days or the fact that I want to get wasted in celebration.
Cops are just so fun an beautifuk
Today wasn't Sunday Funday, it was more like Sunday god is taking a shit on my life day
Okay. How did someone manage to piss on TOP of a urinal? What giant is roaming around with a prick five feet from the ground?
okay. well, yeah. i'm a mess and a half. this shit is not what dumbledore died for.
I need a beard to bite.
Ripping out my IUD in Dave and busters bathroom
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