Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
he proceeded to punch 3 mailboxes in a row and when i asked him why, he said "because they were talking shit"... i need a new boyfriend. and a new life.
New pre-game routine....wal-mart bathrooms...quality beers for free...hallelujah
He may or may not be blacked out. We put him to sleep in the community bathroom. He's wrapped in your blanket and he's already puked on it twice. Using your blanket was my idea. Maybe next time you'll ask before taking my vodka.
I tried to put the left over margartia in a box for you but they wouldn't let me
I felt like a dog for all the times during sex that he said "good girl"
And for some reason I was covered in ants... So your probably covered in ants as well
Did you leave a blizzard on my porch last night? Or was that someone else giving out a metaphorical threat to me?
Yes. Yes. Double yes. I'll bring the tits. You bring the frosting.
I wish you would stop telling everyone that your cock turned me into a Bears fan.
Not sorry that my walk of shame this morning was barefoot on my scooter.
so I'm staring at this cat and wondering..is the tail of the cat the derivative of it's head?
stop getting stoned after studying for a calc final.
Your "whiskey dick" is glorious but also terrifying
He suck his junk in my HALF BAKED. Ben & Jerry would totally disapprove. This is worse than sticky dick donut day.
For a girl who cried from fear the last time she was asked out, this. Is. TERRIFYING!
Randomize
