I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
I'm so glad you managed to take a picture of your foreskin before you broke my camera.
How's your Sunday morning ritual of shitting and throwing up at the same time going?
letting you know, as a good neighbor, that when your windows open and your shade is up we can hear and see you dancing naked to money maker... nice boobs
This is going to be a 3 day beach sex fest. Do you understand
I feel as though sleeping all day due to the effects of prescription painkillers paid for by union insurance made this the most American day ever for me
6 beers, 3 orange crushes, & half a fire ball later & you get my alter ego.
Some older looking guy gave me his card as he exited the train. Hes a pharmaceutical rep. I'm debating asking him for a job. Obv he wants sex but if I can get a job out of this maybe I can offer him more than a cheap dry handjob bc that's all I'm really up for these days
I just farted so loud someone came to check on me. Thought something fell in my office.
Are cops allowed to hit on you if they're in uniform?! Serious question.
He tried to break dance on the island in the kitchen and ended up knocking over everyone's alcohol onto the floor then yelled "GUCCI" before vomiting
Her blow jobs are legen wait for it seriously like 9 people I know brag about them dary
He's gonna fuck me, then his girlfriend is going to come over and fuck me in front of him. And they're smoking me out. Happy birthday to ME
she stuffed her marc jacobs purse full of cereal
classy
She pooped on me during a reverse cowgirl. And it wasn't a little bit either.
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