I dont ever wanna see you tell my little brother to "spread the seed" ever again
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
tried to be sexy and unbutton his shirt with my teeth. ended up slobbering all over it. thank god he was already passed out
I only want to screw him when I'm drunk. Problem is I try to be drunk as often as possible
I've come to accept that no matter where I step in our apartment, your underwear will be there.
He likes Jesus. Game over.
Oooh wait, he just told me he was high.
I'm allowed to be upset. I've never had that many fingers in my ass
Is it possible to have pulled a muscle in my neck from passing out with my head in a bucket?
Never use fire and ice condoms with a dude who always claims he "didn't know it was the wrong hole"
Come back. Shots need mouths.
i love it when bitches who pick on you in high school get fat. thank you facebook you have made my day.
Are u alive? If u are, you deserve an award.
But I don't see you as the jesus riding a dinosaur with a machine gun type of guy
excused from jury duty. THAT hungover...
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
Randomize
