Fuck?...well quicky, i have to study...unless you can read my book while i bang you, then it can last four chapters
I can be that talented
But guess what. I'm gonna roll over and go to sleep cuz there's no cuddling in phone sex.
I was just handed a mimosa the size of my head. Stay tuned.
Haha im Trying. This detox stuff tastes nasty. It's bad when the only thing that came to mind when i took the first sip was how good it would be with Vodka
the only consolation to the fact that i puked in public today was that i did it down a storm drain... so at least i am a responsible public puker
You went around chanting "dinosaur period" and drinking tomato soup from the can.
So I met my girlfriends dad last night. Or should I say I re-met that mall cop that had to tackle me.
The kid across the hall found me in the hallway using a hot pocket box as a pillow. I said its okay I live here.
He's only going to be gone for two weeks
That's two months in gay whore years.
He was supposed to visit me tonight but he decided to stop in Tacoma so now I'm sitting on my bed naked eating oranges and candy corn while I watch Parks and Rec.
Now I have to hook up with him tomorrow DURING THE DAY.
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
Have 7 min to kill while I wait for liquor store to open. Feels really awkward.
I think we have it figured out.. She's my wife when she's here and gives me advise on how to get ass when she's 1500 miles away.
At least I know that however bad my life gets and how low I can feel I'll never feel shitting in a red robin parking lot low
I just found out my younger brother has me saved in his contacts as "Womb Primer" and I don't know what to do with this information
Randomize
