walking home from your place the other day I saw a man with a ponytail sitting on some church steps petting a plant
he should get drunk with us
maybe i would like her more if 99% of her sentences didn't start with "yesterday when i was reading twilight..."
just found preset five on the shower head...pretty sure my pussy just had a panic attack
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
I'm wearing an NBA shooting sleeve while jerking off...and yes my arm has stayed warm
I paid some man $10 for his shirt last night cause I liked it. Explains that. Bought the jackolope head from a street vendor. Got invited to someone's hotel rooftop swimming pool which explains why I was in my bathing suit. My clothes from last night are MIA. Going over the border with no pants on is awkward. Origins of the car rim still mysterious.
It was kicking off big time until you crawled out the bar on your hands and knees. Nobody wanted to mess with that.
Did you know that pizza hut has a wedding proposal box? And sorry for being kinda drunk yesterday when you got here
I like to oil my gears with cheap vodka and strangers
I shaved my entire vagina for a man who had the personality of a potato and a C- orgasm. Life is a series of disappointments.
The twitch Bob Ross stream is the happiest little hangover cure ever.
She just started crying. With my dick still inside her. Something about her grandpa.
the walk of shame isn't very shameful when your mom tells you she's proud of you.
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
You know you started drinking too early in the day when you have a hangover at midnight
thats called having FUN
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