Anal astronaut?
Wow word travels fast.
my ass just sighed. even my farts are tired.
I'd give my left nut to see you
don't do that. I like the set
The last thing I remember is funneling tequila out of a pink noodle.
She's singing So Happy Together to her burrito, I want to be on her level.
Just found a hole in my wall with your left shoe in it.
No, its ok. Im playing strip pretty pretty princess im currently dueling for the crown
I'm one ex away from doing an entire victory lap of all of the guys I've hooked up with since second semester of freshman year. Single me is scary.
Dear slutty diary: I lied about feeling guilty of being a homewrecker in order to have more sex. it worked.
You are. Embrace it. But you are the right kind of asshole.
Wow, I just woke up in this conference with the woman beside me staring at me. This is what happens when hungover people sit in warm rooms...
Speaking of mom and dad and Halloween... Mom bought a size small slutty nurse outfit last night. So yeah, they're getting hammered
like, is this a date?? I'm sitting on his couch drinking a juice box while he makes taquitos in sweat pants
I just gave them my two week notice. Now is the perfect time to fuck my boss's son
Good new is, my parents are alive. Better news they will be in the hospital all weekend. Best news is im having a house party. All weekend.
Randomize