my roommate's gf just broke up with him and hes in his room crying and listening to coldplay while beating off to pictures of her...
I'm proud of us, I'm cleaning up the place and I haven't found a single beer can that isn't empty.
The investigator asked if we were sharing a pitcher of margaritas. I corrected him and explained that we each had our own.
I'm not entirely sure what we did is legal in the U.S., but I know that couple wont be the same
He threw me a bud light and when I opened it he smacked it out of my hand because "Dave giveth, and Dave taketh away". WTF
She has either a C-Section scar or a bullet wound, I can't quite tell
also please imagine me hopping a fence at 3am using two chairs. It was a shit show. K's guy practically ripped her off the top of the fence bc she got semi stuck. It was like watching Disney on Bud Ice.
i think ive crossed the line from sexually frustrated to sexually furious
Do you think I can get away with quoting Work Bitch by Britney Spears in my speech?
Clearly you've confused me for someone who has their shit together, and honestly I have no idea how you did that.
You keep making the old jokes & I'm gonna come down with a sudden case of low-estrogen related vaginal dryness..
Hi I'm on my way to give you multiple screaming orgasms and Easter candy
He was walking around and kept offering the neighbors flamingo lawn ornaments shots of vodka.
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
I just group texted a dick pic. Wonder who'll respond back first. Ashley Stacey or my stepmom
Randomize
