I denied three guys and puked everywhere because I love you.
so are you any less fat since you started doing blow?
Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
New term. "Find a husband" fridays. It's like thirsty thursdays, but with a dowry.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Sent him a picture of my pregnant boobs from last year, think he'll notice the difference?
The acoustics in my bra are fantastic.
I just spent my entire state tax return on sex toys
I want morning sex. We can incorporate maple syrup into it somehow, it'll be fun
What do you take me for? I'm not trying to lure you into bed with stories of my dead aunt.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
Me and my liver are not on speaking terms.
Wanna meet at the diner for breakfast? all I've eaten in the past 24 hours is glitter and penis. starvingg.
Remember that guy that walked around our house naked with a boner wearing nothing but his winter coat? Well, he has a kid now.
I really need to get a comfy set of masturbating shoes
It was pretty awesome. I drank out of a stein and attempted to dance to dubstep with some older guys in leiderhosen.
Randomize