just bought 2000 rhinestones and a heart shaped stencil at Micheals...I think the cashier knows i'm Vajazzling
Jeff just maced a waitress...it's way too early for this.
He's dressed as a power ranger handing out cocaine
Just your daily reminder that we're terrible people: the average number of men a woman sleeps with in their lifetime is 4
I think a van full of parolees just blew me kisses. Thoughts?
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
We had a deepthroating contest with breadsticks at Olive Garden
Because Kyle had a tattoo kit at his house and I wanted one and all he could draw was a mustache or a stickman on fire
Dude at one point I lost you only to find you sitting in the bushes eating pizza.
Tony's mom to him at breakfast: "I found the shirt you wore last night in the bushes this morning."
Valentine's Day is now to be known as Tacos and Orgasms Day.
How hot? Like... how many hemsworths?
Ok here's the plan: birth control, KFC, handcuffs.
Blacking out in the security line at the airport is not nearly as fun as blacking out in the lunch line at the dining hall.
Santi's no longer allowed to buy booze in my lane. Last thing I need is a midlife crisis looking at his Id again.
Randomize
