I tried to tell him it was only 2:00, but he said since it was 5:00 in New York, it was perfectly acceptable. He then put on a Blues Brothers hat and a pair of wayfarers and left. I expect him home in a few hours with a police escort.
in hindsight, the duct tape banana hammock was a bad idea.
I found a horn on the street but it's okay I disinfected it with vodka
You'd be proud of me. They tried to give me bread to sober up, but I told them no, im on a diet.
Like. There is beer on the other side of that door and 6 yards in. If he's not back in 20 minutes to let me in, I am using this tree as a battering ram.
Strip club for my birthday. And none of this discrimination shit. We're going to a guys one and girls one. Go get your singles.
I told him that his face would look perfect between my legs. One of my most successful strategies yet.
theres chocolate ground into my couch, nerds candy all over the floor and cocaine on every surface. great memorial day weekend and yours?
It makes me really sad that some people start their saturdays running or biking instead of with 3 shots of tequila, a sausage biscuit, freaks & geeks and 2 orgasms.
he may or may not have motorboated me on the steps of the library of congress
Tomorrow I need you to slap me in the face. I'll explain then
Slap a cop in the butt for a felony charge. Check.
I have 35 pounds of pennies. Need any?
in your professional opinion, what's the most elegant way of saying "sorry I spent all night flirting with you, I thought you were gay" ?
I got paid to fuck my boss for lunch. My job is better than yours.
Randomize
