u cheatin on me?
if i did i would try to upgrade babe.
I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
a girl is trying to cook hot pockets in a saute pan on the stove.
I really need to learn how to handle sexual advances from older women
I wish I had your problem
Remind me if I threw up on you last night or if that was just a dream.
I guess I'm in a committed relationship. We just had shot 1 of 3 of Gardasil. I'm now dead inside.
I'm pretty sure I told everyone in the bar I hadn't had sex in five months. And then I offered everyone calamari.
Who the fuck was that guy he kept pulling his dick out walking up to people trying to hand it to people and saying go ahead open the door like it was a door knob
I just puked behind a tree outside work, then walked past my manager with puke in my hair. Man, I'm gonna miss this when I get a real job.
You're too young to have this sort of Grizzled Old Drunk In Roadside Bar wisdom.
blue gatorade loses no color upon regurgitation
Pretty sure I love my nipple piercing more than I'll love my children someday
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
Randomize
