And then a tiny penis fell out of my purse
2 bagels in my tummy and my herpes on my mind
And by the way, how is me getting head even remotely comparable to you fucking 3 guys?
Instead of centeral air we are getting a margaritaville machine. Thought you would enjoy our logic
i woke up and the dog was eating spaghetti off my chest.
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
He looks like he'd be great Lego character.
Stop thinking your God dude. You passed out. God doesn't pass out...
She got tired so now we're making anyone who has a stupid idea go into her bedroom so she can sleepslur "good idea" or "baaaad idea." We're calling her the queen of the misguided.
oh my god I have a fantastic druncle story to tell you. It involves a burrito, a meltdown and a bear
The burrito and meltdown are standard, but I'm intrigued by the bear
I was just trying to be a good friend but in retrospect I probably shouldn't have pepper sprayed you.
went back to my college bar last night. Bar tender doesn't remember my name but remembers me as margarita girl...I'm not even mad though
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
Maybe those shots of hot dog water wasn’t a good idea after killing a fifth of tequila.. but who’s askin
I am listening to Jack Johnson and wearing the sweater your Mother made me fuck mother nature I am in my happy place right now
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