My student's should feel privledged to see me tuesday after the amount of alcohol I consumed this weekend.
I woke up to my dog trying to clean my vagina.
help me choose which girl to send myself boning to my girlfriend to make her want to break up
which one looks the most like her?
I said we should get a taxi and you were waving down cars, three of which were cops and one of them slowed down and shook his head then kept driving
He didn't think we needed a taxi
I LOVE DRINKING BOOZE OUT OF A FUCKING LAMP
I created a photogrid for every picture he has ever sent me of his penis. Now I can see every angle at one time. THIS IS GREAT.
Just gave my liver a good luck and I'm sorry speech
No, absolutely not. If you see that cunt, throw confetti or eggs at her.
That's a pretty extreme jump from confetti to eggs
My mom opened up my bank statement today....my first alcohol intervention class is at 7:30am tomorrow.
I'll have party bus drop you off in the morning.
We may have picked the wrong resort. Brenna and I have already been propositioned for swinging twice and we've only been here 3 hours
The last thing I remember is him yelling from across the room "WE FINISHED THE HANDLE!"
It was 11pm.
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
And I wasn't CONVICTED of a felony, I just committed one
I just ordered cookies for delivery. My life is falling apart.
I feel like my life just hangs in the balance of "Yeah I'm probably not doing this right"
Randomize
