so that guy from last night texted me saying i flashed half of my extended family last night. so classy.
remember when jerking off was fun and not a neccesity
i was gonna tell him a really embarassing story about you, but then i remembered im in all of them
the recent google searches were "were can i buy a porn horse, why does my heart hurt after drinking, and orlando's teen night..." your thought process perplexes me
Please check on her. She announced that Thursday she'd open herself to any veteran so as to thank them for their service. "my services for your service" and left the bar with three numbers.
I love how our sober spotter means you only have to stay sober enough to type your pin in an ATM
I hope to God 2011 is the year I stop loving tequila.
Leaving someone plastered on a corner at 3am telling them to just scream for cock is NOT being a good wingman.
when we went to bed he asked me to hold his penis so he knew i was there for him
I just woke up and my mouth tastes like I licked the bathroom floor in the last ghetto bar we were in. I'm going to get my mouth checked for chlamydia. Do I see a dentist for that?
she chugged a bowl of salsa and then gave my ferret weight loss tips. she's like my fucking spirit animal now
I feel like his penis would have a weird haircut because he does.
We're going to catch a squirrel this summer
My liver and I thought we knew what we signed up for. We were wrong.
The beauty of his penis is distracting me from the fact that he was born after Princess Diana died
Randomize
