Just saw a midget shotgun a coors light
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
Remember when we did the egg drop from the Dyson building? Her vag is like that, except with a ham, and the ham doesn't make it. I'll be back to the apartment in ten.
Is it horrible that I want to keep my purple landing strip until after my gyno apt? I feel like someone beside myself should see it...
we just bought Vicodin from the Chinese delivery guy, this day just keeps getting better.
we tried to steal a tractor last night. you should have come out.
Pretty sure I was rubbing Halloween candy all over my face and saying "these are my bitches."
I felt so bad for you. Drunk Rachael wanted nothing more than to crawl into the cop car and give you a hug. Luckily Mollied/Barred out Rachael convinced Drunk Rachael this was a terrible idea. So I ran. I have your keys btw
I forgot to tell you, the medics put you in a wheel chair. ( I kept telling you to cat daddy) oh you also gave everyone high fives for speaking English.
I think I'm allergic to vodka. Or people getting engaged. One or the other. I want to die.
plus there's no nice way to tell a guy you physically hate the shape of their cock.
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
I'm still pretty stoned. There are mini rice cakes in my robe pocket to snack on in the shower.
She brought over her portable harddrive and we dueled with porn. This relationship is too beautiful to last.
5 hours of volunteer work playing with puppies and banned from the frat I hate most as 'punishment'... Besides the ER trip, I'm not seeing the bad in this situation
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