yes i saw that this morning. it was my mailbox.
My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
just graduated on the spot on the quad where I vommed freshman year. full circle
Santa brought me a 1.75 of wine, and a liter of patron. I probably won't remember Christmas, so don't ask me how it was tomorrow.
I should've been more social I guess. I feel bad not meeting the people who willingly sucked alcohol out of my navel...
Idk man, she was drunker than me and i was sitting there talking to a raccoon about it's broken leg.
I have a bottle of vodka wrapped in a leg warmer in my purse. This is what it takes to get through Christmas with my family.
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
When Dad gets to your house, ask him about the sound of anal beads. Happy Thanksgiving!
That was before I lit my hair on fire
I told the cop I was late for a booty call. He still gave me a ticket but he wrote his number on it
When you wake up and wonder why your bleeding and it feels like you jumped into a ceiling fan, dont worry. Ill explain it all when I wake up.
OMG. When you threw the used condom on your floor you threw it in my purse!!! I just went to grab my headphones and it was stuck to them!
Like he legitimately was standing straight up, feet on the roof, not holding on to a moving car.
At least your wife cheated on you. Women will feel bad for you. In a month there will boy bands that are jealous of your dick
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