When do i get to see u next week?
When I teabag your entire family
I have a sudden craving for National Treasure 2. THIS IS WHY DRUGS ARE AWESOME
I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
He told everyone he was going inside...an hour later we get a knock on the garage door from some dude telling us a guy is passed out on the lawn and we should get him inside because it's about to rain
do you remember the combo for the lock to my pants?
EVERYONE CAN HEAR YOU FUCKING YOU ARE IN A TENT
My 16 year old coworker just told me I should take my job more seriously after she watched me puke in the backroom trash can. Fuck teenagers with morals.
Are we hungover?
I got a lapdance from a gay guy in red uggs and spandex shorts with reindeer antlers on. And I don't remember it. Hungover does not even cover it.
After my date left I rallied and took the Asian girl home. Flexibility my friend.
I had a meltdown and you quoted Puddle of Mudd to me
Why is it that the asexual in our group is the one that gets laid the most often??
I'm a terrible person when I drink. I went from fine to not making any sense and yelling about cheese in like 30 seconds.
some kid just came up 2 me bleeding yelling "thats how u riot"
Because of you I'm damaged goods. I'm a fucking soup can and you dropped me.
I got drunk and bought a house last night. Also, I threw up on Mike's lawn. I'm pretty excited about one of those two things.
Randomize
