I don't usually arrange sex via text message
thanks for being my friend even though im irresponsible with my vagina
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
we are playing family charades. my sister pointed at me. everyone guessed alcoholic.
no i brought the cat to the bar. I got a weird look when I walked in but now everyone loves her.
just fucked two guys in less than 12 hours. i miss this part of being single.
and by single i mean slutty
i think he just broke into a bike shop his last text said something about hiding in some tree
She just threw the soap bottle at me from the ladie's room and keeps asking me when we left the bar and got on the boat.
Whoever was the last to get in from the chinese firedrill had to pay the dealer.
I've fallen from my one moral pedestal
So. I need to gloat. I couldn't exactly tell my family that I won this game by deep throating.
I'm in the freezer. Shit took away any trace of hangover outa my body.
Plan B, arranged marriage to a rich Indian, is rapidly becoming Plan A. Fuck Finals.
Note to Self: Never again eat a weed brownie by yourself two hours before a tornado warning in your exact location.
FUCK WHALES
Randomize
