it's like i warped into dreamland and the only thing that makes sense is my solo cup
remind me next year to leave the 19 year old girl at home when you're going to pride. total cock block
my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
Some creeps at the festival started talking to me, so I told them I was going change my tampon. Worked like a charm.
Sometimes I wonder how different my life would be if I didn't share a weekly margarita with my mom since i was 12
He just found another high guy at wal-mart. There now friends. His friend is eating a cupcake
I made him an O's fan. One pic of my tits coming out of a Baltimore shirt and it was done.
I seriously just drove by a man walking down the street wearing hospital scrubs, an 80s track jacket, gold necklace and carrying a flute.
I wore pigtails while I was having sex with that 22 year old just to make him feel like a pedophile.
I have accepted that I am a sexual predator. What I can't accept is the lack of sexual men for me to seduce in this town.
I was looking up travel destinations and somehow I ended up reading Paul's first letter to the Corinthians. I need to start going to church high...
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
She's blowing me while I'm watching air jaws. I love shark week.
Uber southern baptist grandma and uber flaming cousin just got into an argument about whether jesus is OK with gay marriage. Aren't these things only supposed to happen at Thanksgiving?
Honestly, if you don't have a lawsuit pending against you by this time tomorrow, I'll be impressed.
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