You should dream of me :)
I'm going to dream of single life.
Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
you may be an alcoholic when your drug dealer calls to yell at you for drinking too
I thought it couldn't get worse until she said "Nipple hair"
No period for spring break; use this wisely.
so high and i think i just ordered a magic bullet.
did you call within the first 18 minutes? can i have the free one?
drunk...on the white house tour...security is staring. this will not end well.
Nothing ruins a good sext like too many emoticons
Who was that couple sleeping in your bed with us last night?
Fucking plugged the shower with taquitos I just threw up.
I woke up to my bra draped over his lamp and a huge bump on my head. apparently, I face planted while having sex in the shower..
It was 16 hours of liver killing mistake making goodness
Yeah but if you conceived a child on a park slide that would be pretty awesome
Hurry up I'm getting mooned by a hobo
I was told i took a shot doing a headstand in the backseat then proceeded to barf all over my face
I had no idea you were so talented.
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