The world needs more lipstick lesbians, if anything.
so he let me use one of the toothbrushes that came in his daughters 4 pack, purple glittery toddler toothbrush, the next time i came back his wife has used their label maker and put my name on it...
So... My dad just saw the Plan B package and the beer cans in my backseat.
Oh its cool I'm sure he already knows you're a whore and an alcoholic.
wtf
I'm guessing you saw the bathroom?
I Know I'm the drunk girl in the trunk right now, BUT PLEASE LISTEN TO ME!
Idk we were snorting lines and making out in the stall while these people were cheering us on, on the other side. And that's when I realized he wasn't the only guy in the girls bathroom.
Hope you don't mind if I never tell my family about you.
this hospital has no fireball
I spilled wine on my pillowcase and I figure it's basically my lifeblood so I'm just leaving it
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
I have in my possession one ukulele shaped package.
You know it's a pretty bad night when an injured penis is not the worst thing that happened to you. Fuck tequila
sending my old camp counselor nudes. childhood memory win or new low?
I am pants-free in the living room. This is liberating.
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
Randomize
