Judging by the fact that my hair was glued to my head with vomit, yeah I think I couldve used a friend last night
After we finished he asked if I knew if it was a boy or girl. Diet. Starts. Now.
I just learned you can mail a coconut. I'll be over in 3 days with the rum.
the higher we get, the more he looks like ray charles.
Apparently as I was doing the walk of shame home my dad's date was on her way to hers. hoes come in all ages these days
But life is now good. Well, not good, good would be not wearing the penis hat with the extended family of the boy I just cheated on, but as good as it's going to get today
Grandma is giving me marriage advice again. On the plus side, she thinks I'm straight now.
If you value your immune system buddy, walk away from that one.
I convinced every single one of my cousins to bring me a glass of wine. I was the alcoholic queen and they were my subjects.
My nonexistent future grandchildren will one day ask me when I knew I'd lost control of my life. And now I know.
I'm going to start charging you rent if you keep leaving your random conquests on my living room couch the morning after
So drunk I thought the door was feeling me up for a seconds
Oh my god I'm in a public bathroom with a space heater. I never want to leave
All you need for a happy life is Jameson and slippers
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
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