We've reached that awkward stage of the relationship where he's in love with me when he's drunk, but sober him is still afraid of commitment.
I love how understanding people are when they hear we first hooked up getting high and watching nature shows
She had a little wicker basket of condoms by her bed. Disturbing yet convenient.
No... We were arguing over whose family is more dysfunctional... Then my brother stumbled in and puked all over jakes ugly dog.
Be careful there's warming lubricant on the floor. I will clean and explain later.
I almost shit my pants in anger over your moral sanity.
I dressed up as a breathalyzer test for Halloween; never had so many straight dudes blow me before!
Just remember, Dont make worse choices than american flag pants to your own birthday party
I just had to break into my old house and steal my sex tape. Good times. How have you been?
I should be free tonight unless my 5 speed vibrator arrives in the mail today, than we might have scheduling conflicts.
I don't think I'm gonna survive today. I don't remember how to walk. I must crawl 6 blocks to my bed.
I swear to God if you fuck my cousin I will fuck your dad.
No alcohol sales on Election Day. WTF? Today, of all days, I need to be splurged to to vote for any of these morons running for president.
Kinda. I got kicked outta the bar, and then incited a riot until the cops came and I bailed
I just made deviled eggs for everyone not passed out. Im officially becoming a drunk chef.
Randomize
