The only thing I want to hear out of a girl's mouth tonight is, "slurp".
The mall is playing a fucking country mix of lady marmalade.
welcome to maine.
I just spent twenty minutes with brandons dad explaining why head isnt typically considered sex...can we say awkward?
just googled chastity belt to see if it really exist..
Just saw a girl i'm pretty sure is simultaneously jailbait and a milf. I never want to leave mexico.
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
He's hinting that I'm starting to be kicked out of their blunt rides, I can feel it.
The security guard popped his head over the mens room door and goes "nice tits- now get out." Deer in headlights moment right there.
In brighter news I got condoms and a mattress protector today.
It felt like a sumo wrestler slapped me. With a wet hand. 8 times in a row.
His last Google search was "will sperm ruin the retina display on Apple products?"
Also, I've finally come to the point in the relationship when having sex with socks on is ok.
I'm sorry I never said I wasn't coming home last night. To my defense I did type and send a text, only I was too drunk to realize I sent it to the guy I was with instead of you.
I wish I could accurately explain the embarrassment of standing in your bathroom with women's nair on your ass waiting to get in the shower.
Randomize
