Don't cheat on me with the blonde bimbo religi freak
I wouldn't touch her with a ten foot pole
She's blonde
i thought she was just hairy. i didn't know she was also a man.
I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
i'm so desperate for a drink right now i looked up the recipe to make pruno
i wish i could, but i promised myself i wouldn't sleep with anyone who couldn't grow a beard for a while. it's not you, it's crosby.
Why does he only make me orgasm when I'm about to break up with him?
So when you said you wanted to make a clay replica of my boobs and hang it above your bed you actually meant it?
We literally played a game called pass the child which consisted of us shitfaced tossing the 5 year old birthday boy at each other
hes the hot one from work who thought i was dead after my party
If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"
It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"
I lick assholes and I wouldn't eat mdma
you never keep up with shots anymore
I'm trying to be more responsible these days
you fucking tried to take your pants off and pee in Taco Bell's parking lot
I just got a rock from a customer. Weirdest. Tip. Ever.
I finally realized he drank way too much when he tried serenading me to the song "come my lady" while slowly and creepily making his way toward me...keeping constant eye contact.
There's wax on my nightstand, my sheets look like Christmas, and my vagina feels like it got into a fight. All signs of a good night
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