i wish that i had sketchier friends so that it would be easier to get drugs
dude she snuck out while I was still sleeping then was banging on the door 10 minutes later cuz her car was brokedown. how was I suppose to recognize her??
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
tequila makes me forget i have legs
Remember the time we were horrifically hung over, went to mcdonalds, an you merely felt the weight of the mcnuggets box and knew there was an extra?
like it was yesterday
I wore a firefighters hat and drank beer all night. They had to drive me home after breaking the beer pong table, they told me I was welcome back tonight though...
I'd like to thank you fucktards for dumping the WHOLE box of Tricuits in my bed after I passed out.
Ive seen his manscaping faults. Given the choice I'd rather dry hump a cactus
I'm confused as to why I have a picture of your boobs in response to a photo of my father
You need to be full form and virile tomorrow so I can live vicariously through your rub and tug.
I'm not allowed to have sex with him again. My vagina joined in on the protest. There was a petition. All my body parts signed it.
Sam was like the mother fucking Moses of drunk and underage kids and he lead them to safety away from the cops. He's a hero that we deserve.
Just found out that my name comes from part of my mom's old stripper name.
So he apologized for peeing on my floor.. then we fucked all night.
Real classy
i haven't seen you in two years and we have like 16 hours, all i want is cuddles, wine, and some light groping
Randomize
