I'm pants shitting drunk right now
No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
As a matter of fact my bong is named Hulkamania brother
P.S. theres no milk for breakfast, but theres plenty of beer or red wine. you decide.
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he actually proposed, and i threw up on him...i guess 5 glasses of wine was a bad idea.
no seriously he was fingering me like he was really really frantically looking for a song on his iPod.
i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."
now that im off birth control, the world is a much scarier place
So then she just shoved applesauces in her pocket and started talking about she needed to find her friends.
you didn't get her number why?
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I left boob prints on the hood of his car. Something to remember me by.
There is a pile of hair outside the apartment next door. At least now I know what all that shouting was about last night.
This hobo said he can't buy alcohol bc he got in trouble bc a girl sat on his face when he was passed out and misaligned his spine and gave him Alzheimer's so Ali is buying him a bottle. This is Vegas.
I just threw up in my front yard because my roommate was in the bathroom. Fuck New Years Day.
This is the third time my roommate and I have drunkenly hooked up. I'm starting to think she's not as straight as she says she is.
You know getting black out drunk at a cats birthday party should have been my lowest point drinking wise but some how I feel like last night was some how worse
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