i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
If I saw Perez Hilton naked I think I would stick a lit candle down my throat.
Just got a script for 120 vicodin with 6 refills. I feel like michael jackson.
I could make treat bags
Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
I'm quite proud of this turning point from one night stands to giving some guy a BJ to fix my car for free.
I've come to accept that no matter where I step in our apartment, your underwear will be there.
How do people deal with hangovers? I literally want to eat my own face.
The thumbs up barstamp on my hand is mocking my hangover with its positivity.
I need to pack up my vagina and leave. We only do bad things together.
There should be a rule. If your dick is under 6 inches, you are not allowed to dress as Thor.
Holy shit I've found my last one night stand in my Gran's knitting club
I thought about mashed potatoes the whole way home
Girl you know I'm an advocate of debauchery but you might wanna check yoself.
I hear jingle bells and I can't tell if it's bc I'm feeling festive or just REALLY high
i let a mormon finger me. i don't ever want to be that drunk again.
Randomize
