Do you have swine flu?
I know my taste in men is not always top notch; however, I don't sleep with swine.
Pigs, yes. Swine, no.
Betty ford says i'm here all night
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
Our phone convo was getting intense. Then I heard her say "quiet mommy is trying to have phone sex"
Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
The only downside so far to having a guy roommate is that when he's doing a walmart run, I just can't bring myself to ask him to pick up a pregnancy test for me. I feel like that's just too much too soon.
Hey since its national brother week is that eiffel tower option with your girlfriend still on the table?
Another Sunday, another 100 chicken nuggets
Our room will be decorated with my urine.
And then you told me I had large hands and looked like a girl who would have an illegitimate child that I never talked about
Why did I wake up to grapes taped my ears ?
Sorry dude, we didn't want you to hear us. Seemed like a good idea at the time.
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
I have beer and butt plugs...pretty sure I will find a way to entertain myself while I wait
My brothers dog was hit by a car and died. They're really sad about it.
But they're having a baby! It's like a dog only 40 billion times worse!
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
Randomize
