I think my grandma died before she was convinced I was straight
I hate when people uglier than me have girlfriends
Thanks for putting the blue stuff in the toilet, it made me throwing up this morning more enjoyable.
It feels wrong to have dick mouth at a family dinner.
Annnnddddd this chick is using a hand puppet made of a sock to give her research presentation...
He was still there when I ran half naked into my suitemate's room where she was skyping her boyfriend and I started singing I JUST HAD SEEEEX
Why am I feeling up grandma?!
I'm really glad a picture of you as an infant followed this text.
I either have a razor blade lodged in my throat or I've been drinking entirely too much Evan Williams.
things were going awesome until jimmy put out a cigarette in the everclear.
My sheer presence has sent the hipsters running in terror. I expect no problems.
If you sleep with another manager before the year is up you'll deserve an accomplishment sticker.
My cast smells like cheese steak rolls
It's all fun and games until you rupture a testicle
I'm just going to take a nap and hope I wake up more attractive.
It's 2 am on the long weekend and what am I doing? Sitting alone in my room eating chips and queso and watching Rio. Fuck I need to get laid.
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