Cold hands, warm shart.
He may or may not be blacked out. We put him to sleep in the community bathroom. He's wrapped in your blanket and he's already puked on it twice. Using your blanket was my idea. Maybe next time you'll ask before taking my vodka.
After last night, I've decided I will now bang only men who professionally ride things for a living. I will accept jockeys, cowboys, bullriders, and pro bicyclists who lie and say they're bullriders.
Bible prof is the guy I made out with at the gay bar on the fourth. He doesn't remember.
I never thought the first time a taser would be used on me would be at an applebees
You definitely in your drunken state were really concerned you would forget to buy milk today
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
It makes no sense at first, you go with it, it's fun and entertaining and then a disaster
I'm gonna play this game called Conquer the Dicks. I think it is self explanatory.
She's currently doing somersaults across the kitchen floor without underwear on. We may not make it to the bar.
Well, if it makes you feel any better I'll be drinking tequila and doing lines on Halloween. Just like old days.
Why would you keep yourself in a sharting situation
You WHAT?!?!
Paid. A. Homeless. Guy. To. Throw. A. Drink. In. Her. Face.
I fucking love you.
So is he the one who got away?
They all got away. I’m a catch and release kind of girl.
Nothing wrong with a little cat scratch fever. You have toys?
A few, plus a dildo molded from a porn star that I've always been too intimidated of to actually use, but it's the apocalypse, and momma didn't raise no quitter.
Randomize
