Chinese roommate asked me this a.m when u left if all girls here have multiple boyfriends..
Do you know how hard it is to get cum out of a straw hat!?
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
We fed your dog hot wings then gave it some Bud light to drink. You're right. Dogs are fun.
Nothing like hearing a USA chant while getting head. God bless America.
I just recognized Courtney in a crowded Trader Joe's solely by seeing her ass. In other news, I survived the first round of layoffs today.
I'm not sure which feat is more impressive...
you're right. i am beautiful. like a May day. frolicking in a meadow of wildflowers. platinum in one hand. pipe in the other. that kind of beautiful.
yeah, I don't think I'm getting into the baseball game tonight. The security guard definitely saw me bowl over that child.
Easter was a success. We had an egg hunt and hid weed and conforms inside them. Cooked a ham, made some jello, got wasted. THIS is adulthood?!
And I'm bringing my coffee cup of wine.
Best day ever, my junk is bigger than Kate Uptons boyfriends. Yay for Fappening day!
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
Well shit I mean if you get a bunch of cashed up drunk lesbians together in a casino, it's bound to go south at some point
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
Last night I actually told him I came with a washer and dryer
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