I want to touch your soul through your body...with my penis...
Mike i'm at church right now...
No - a douche bag is not a fashion accessory. They do not make Gucci Douchebags
dont seek real advice from me tonight cause its always gonna end with we should have sex
I threw up into my coffee this morning.
your goal of the night was to unlock your iPhone with your nipple. You're going places.
I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
I'd appreciated it if you didn't lick my boyfriends face again. I'm askin nicely. Thank you.
He got thrown out for leaning over the bar topless and pouring himself some beer while singing the james bond song
I just threw out a whole Christmas ham, 12 positive pregnancy tests, 3 empty vodka bottles and by ex boyfriends Latina porn collection in the same garbage bag. The homeless person who goes through the bins tonight knows I have nothing left to loose.
i seriously haven't spoken to him since i drunk dialed him and told him i loved his beard
You know you've got awesome issues when the main deciding factor of whether or not to cut your nails depends on nacho consumption in the near future
But the sex is so much better when he already has a girlfriend
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
She kept telling me that it pissed her off that i expect people to make out with me...then she made out with me. Win?
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