So when jo picked me up from the bar I kept apologizing and kept telling her "I'm just a wittle donut"
I think I'm in Tiajuana
You are not in Tijuana. I saw you an hour ago
I could be
i just used a pokemon card to do blow. i need an adult. now.
You were so drunk last night you typed www.face.come/cheese.com as if you were logging into facebook.
Friend I haven't seen in almost a year just IMed me to let me know that my mom stuck her boob out the window on the freeway at her.
Her mom responded by mooning my mother. I really don't know what's worse.
I put bits of fruit cocktail in the jello shots i made because i knew that they were gonna be the only thing we ate all day
All I know is she had me sitting on the kitchen floor with her little Pomeranian eating potato chips And shredded cheese. I don't even know dude. I don't even know.
It all boils down to, who else do we know that is willing to buy our friendship?
I had to help you off the toilet floor because you couldn't get up, then you threw your drink on the floor and just said "oh dear" really calmly.
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
WHY DO YOU ALWAYS PUT THE PLUG IN THE SINK BEFORE YOU PUKE IN IT
I wish I was a power ranger. Also the universe is immense. Like it never ends. Never.
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
I'm that daughter that had to send her mother "DON'T GET SHITFACED" & yes, in ALL CAPS.
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
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