that drag queen yelled at him and touched me to make him jealous and said things like this is what a real man feels like. it was a thrill.
My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
I felt like a body pillow being humped by a twelve year old.
I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
no you cant smoke seaweed
so apparently dipping a tampon in red gatorade and throwing it out the window on the highway is a $100 fine
Is puking blood really that bad of a sign? Can we pretend this is okay?
It's okay.
Thank you as well. My penis is starting a slow-clap right now.
Also, I found out tonight a major plus for being female is you can accidentally call the hot bartender sweet tits and she won't get mad.
you never texted me what you wanted from the store so I got a piece of chicken and bottle of tequila. if you want anything else you are on your own.
Well I blew a guy I barely know in full view of a homeless camp. That's pretty tame for me.
See, this is why we give you shit. Ashley gets her car cleaned out, I get multiple enchiladas made, and you get cum in your eye.
As a friend tho, you have the biggest dick I've ever seen
I've never seen anyone as high as you were.. you collapsed onto the kitchen floor hugging a tub of ice cream. You named it phil.
Randomize
