WE WERE REALLY IN A PORNO LAST NIGHT
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
U owe me five dollars for that paper towel you bet i wouldnt eat last night
I have pictures of you taking tequila shots off the front of the police car when the cop wasn't looking.
My little brother just suggested we drink the rest of the vodka because it's raining. My job is complete.
I just figured out how I'm going to tie you to my bed. Hint: I may have to go to the auto parts store before you get here.
Well I'm going to San Francisco next weekend for pride. I'm sure I'll end up drunk and on a beach at some point.
She took a six hour road trip with me so I could have revenge sex with my ex's brother. That is the definition of a best friend.
I think my AA sponsor just booty called me.
I feel like one thing if I have going for me is that my bed looks like a nice place to have sex
I apparently pulled his dick out at the bar and started yelling "DICK PICS IN REAL LIFE!"
I just shook glitter of my birth control packet so I’d say it’s safe to say it was a good weekend
I think there is cocaine on my toothbrush.
He's a security blanket. A security blanket who FUCKS.
Well, fuck this election. I'm getting drunk, regardless of who wins.
Randomize
