census says that i am hotter than the girl you just left with...sad for you
I'm about two and a half drinks away from gay.
I'm coming over.
in the car goin home for fam dinner and he is silent... i think he realized how big of a whore his little sister is
I wasted some perfectly good semen on her
okay, certainly we can't screw this up, and even as I type, I know we will
21st Birthday Idea: liquor store gift registry. Give me a promotion.
Just orgasmed in traffic. Starting to have feelings for my commute.
You should make cookies and when I get home we can have a slow motion hug and eat them
New brilliant plan: invite two random okcupid girls to the same bar at the same time, have them compete
Of course I will... FYI I just gave my balls a crew cut.
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
I'm going through what feels like a break up with beer. I'm emotionally distraught from it's lack of presence.
There's nothing quite like having a little 8 year old boy hand me a Bible on campus while I'm on my way to the health center because of my recent slutty tendencies.
Now go get drunk with your fam and get back into ur christmas groove. No time for gonnorhea
And the next thing I knew I was blowing this random hot italian bartender with an uncircumcised penis in his work closet
Randomize
