this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
we fucked while he was on the clock. He didnt even take off his bullet proof vest. Dont tell me thats not bad ass.
She tased me when I walked in the door. Thought I was trying to steel her weed.
K. On the way. I need a drink.
Like a drink drink or like water?
Have we met?
we've had sex 4 times and he still refers to me as 'the chick in my chem class'
Are you scared? I basically plan on us looking like giant drunk skittles
All is not lost. The bondage chair came with repair seals and glue. It's like the knewwwwwww this would happen.
please hold off on going into labor, i might need you to take me to the free clinic
She is the epitome of a puke & rally. She picked a random hott guy at the bar & made him pinky promise not to leave while she took a power nap. She went & passed out in her friends car & apparently puked just outside the bar. She stumbled in & found the randome guy again & claimed she was golden. Made it to the after party & stayed up til 6 doing body shots off every girl she saw & hooked up with the random from the bar. I love her life
Buy Actually if the police need to find my body I'm on an air mattress in an apartment near a McDonald's that's all I see out dat Window
Reached a new low last night. Passed out. With my pants down. On the toilet. At ihop. Waitress had to wake me up.
My walk of shame was four miles long and I had to stop for a water break. I am the picture of class.
Do you think it would be a margarita if you just out tequila in a sonic slush?
MY DAD KEEPS LIKING PORN LINKS/ALBUMS ON FACEBOOK AND THEY ALL SHOW UP IN MY NEWSFEED
Have I told you i love you?
there's no need we are two peas in a naughty pod of fuckery
Randomize
