im drinking this country out of the recession.
Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
I've come to realize time passes slowest when I'm sitting in class, waiting for microwavable foods, working out, & giving head.
Saw a guy in a chef outfit covered in mustard talking jiberish into his phone running across the skywalk.
I just figured you know how to drive a boat and I know how to get drunk. What can go wrong
They're taking me to ER. Mistasnkingly. Come get me.
Um....sorry for hooking up with your brother last night...
Actually i take that back. You dropped the whiskey last night and broke the bottle. Were even
nothing says 4th of july like teaching grandma how to work a keg
I've never seen a guy eye-fuck someone so hard in my entire life. I thought he would develop laser vision, bore holes into your body, and not even realize your innards would be spilling everywhere. That's how bad it was.
Ugh a 13 year old just asked me why people drink, I had to explain it without making it sound good. I need a drink.
I am the fucking FIFTH wheel. How do you think it's going?
Maybe I'm not hungover. Maybe I'm actually dying.
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
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