Well for starters i'm drinking vodka out of a bell pepper.
I'm sitting at the bar eating dinner next to a nerd, a guy in a 10 gallon hat, and a policeman. I feel like I joined The Village People
I told her the white crusty stuff on my boxers was frosting not cum. She seemed MORE grossed out then
mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
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On the brightside though, I found the motivation to clean my shower, it was right underneath my need to masturbate in said shower.
where are you guys? the police just woke me up on the couch outside.
Just got a blowie during the Avengers. It's weird knowing that the high point of your life just happened.
Me and the guy at the liquor store are on a first name basis, college is all about networking.
Attempted to dodge my boyfriends cum last night and ended up falling off the bed and getting the worlds most painful charlie horse. fuck my life.
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I need to ask my mom where the drain cleaner is, but I'm afraid she'll ask why and the answer to that will just be "cum."
you walked onto the street in the middle of the 10K in your thong. it was a whole new kind of expirience.
He went out to smoke and when he came back I was still in the same spot naked and unable to breathe.
All I could say was, "ladies and gentlemen, THIS is why I drive 30 mins"
he said "be careful" then handed me a cheezit...
STOP FUCKING TELLING PEOPLE ABOUT THAT TIME THAT GUY CAME ON MY FACE WHILE I WAS ASLEEP!!!
too bad burritos don't cuddle back
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