after the cops left he pulled the weed out of his ass and we smoked it
why is it whenever you puke in the park there are always little kids on the swings?
She woke up with blood running down her face and asked the EMS guy where the keg was
He said last night that he'd never had such a great conversation and such a great handjob at the same time.
For thanksgving we are only drinking wild turkey for the next 24hrs time to strap your balls back on and maybe a helmet
Ps we bought 8 pellet guns just now
Cory and I accidentally had a sexual adventure last night.
How do you ACCIDENTALLY have a sexual adventure?
I have decided that today will be all about indulgence and hedonism.
You can kiss the security deposit goodbye after you and your boyfriend did donuts on his moped in the middle of the apartment. It was impressive since you were both too drunk to walk.
We will go to karaoke
Okay, well, i'm covered in paint, haven't showered & have already been drinking, so if I fall on the floor in a blaze of depeche mode & beer tears, you can't pretend you don't know me
She said I had a really great aura. Which I think is hippie code for "I bet you can give me a mind melting orgasm"
FUCK and YOU. times 10. To infinity and beyond. You bastard. Worst. Cockblock. Ever. I'm going to nail your sister.
I just started talking about how noodles were so good
I am naked and annoyed.
Why were you naked on your bathroom floor?
It was a "get entirely naked to take a shit" kind of blackout I think.
My disney ticket is covered in lube, do you think they will accept it?
Randomize
