It's my fault I'm alone. My closest relationship is with my blackberry....thank god it vibrates.
Her vagina smelled like chicken
why do you say that
chicken smells like everything
I had to brake up with him.
In my experience drinking helps.
You dont want to know why?
Not really. I want to drink.
I wonder if her husband knows I have my own drawer at the apartment
I just realized I'm the burger in your burger and steak anology. Very disconcerting.
Say what you will, but only I can throw up on someone's door and make it look like art.
That's the last time I'm letting you drink that apple vodka
and everyone will high five me and girls will approach me offering blowjobs
I'm gonna go ahead and say I love our drinking habits but anytime we roundhouse a 750 of Schnapps on the way to a non competitive bowling league we might have problems
He doesn't want a full on relationship, he provides me with all the weed I can handle and gives me multiple mind blowing orgasms. He's my soul mate.
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
Pretty sure at some point last night i said to myself "it'll be fun to completely lose my mind for a night"
How exactly does a handjob become fancy?
Blueberry lube, and champagne.
There's hope in those eyes, for a better tomorrow or more cocaine, we may never know, but there's hope.
You made the lady who made your cheeseburger sign the box so that when she got famous you would have her autograph.
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
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