I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
i just got so high i needed a buddy system to the kitchen
Tell me why Im cashing out of Walmart with Smirnoff and catfood
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Don't take this the wrong way but I just mistook a trash can for you
Clothes are such an inconvenience.
I take that as "no I'm not driving you to the bar in a blizzard"
This is working out surprisingly well considering it started out with us using a christmas tree as a battering ram
Pretty much gone. He was in the backseat and kept whispering that his "toes felt like pigtails"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
Just made a jeopardy bj game. Every question has 10-50 seconds on it and if he's right that's how many he gets.
Turns out the guy I peed on gave me a ride back to my dorm this morning.
You are a god.
Dude, that was like bongs ago.
The other guys kept waking up so I hid... Like, dick in mouth, hiding in his sleeping bag
Her name was Danica but I felt like it would be hard to say drunk so I called her Shelby
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