I want to buy you liquor! I want to kiss your face.
So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
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But I thought everyone had breakup sex?
Also managed to rip my pants and set myself on fire. And oddly enough I'm still not ready to ask for 2010 back.
Apparently we both projectiled on Erin at the same time.
That's some true roommate bonding right there.
Last time we talked he was trying to sext me but he was including pictures of fruit
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He wants to buy me a drink to apologize for sending me a pic of his dick. Welcome to my life.
Remind me in the morning that I've now seen a guy do crack. That actually happened. I'm at the wrong party.
I just looked down and realized I was walking around in briefs and a ninja turtle shirt; and for a second, I thought I was 8 again... Weird...
I walked in and saw her crying and singing to her dog
It's 6am and I had to explain to the gas station attendant why I didn't have shoes on and I'm covered in maple syrup.
Well I've decided to refuse to conform to society and be naked the rest of the day.
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