I want to make Jon&Kate babies with him. Not in quantity, but in percentage asian.
if she shaves her mustache, i'll let her give me head
this is like her 8th guy since december, is she wasn't frumpy people would call her a whore
I should go buy the economy size box of condoms and sprinkle a path like rose petals to my bed... Think he'd get the hint?
He won't ever take me seriously if I keep getting drunk and hooking up with all his friends.
Just got a blowjob on the pier where my great-grandfather entered America.
We had car sex in the parking lot of the dispensery while he blasted Tony Bennett. It was so fucking romantic.
im so proud of her that she got shit faced finally. This must be what it feels like to see you kids get their diploma or some shit.
I'm sorry. I just realized our 'big night out' ended up being you driving my high ass to get burritos and back.
I just don't understand how we smoked the EXACT same thing and I feel fine but Tim's over here serenading his fifth bowl of fruit loops with Elton John's entire discography.
We are actually the same person except with opposite genitalia, which are both incredible.
The chances of me making out with someone next weekend are about the same as me not remembering it.
If I die write a nice eulogy and bury me with my star wars bobbleheads
It shouldn't be this hard to find someone who you haven't blown.
I'm currently using a band-aid to cover my bar stamp from last night while I ask my professor for an extension. That's a sign of getting more responsible, right?
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