It was like a mary poppins bag, except a sexual mary poppins bag.
I was like, "um, that's my butthole."
bras are like tupperware for tits, keeps em fresh.
i can hardly tell the difference between falling asleep and passing out anymore
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just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
did i call you last night crying about tacos and the royal wedding again?
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
So like 5 seconds in I realize I knew him in 3rd grade and I went limp in his mouth. It felt like I just murdered the last unicorn ever. Going straight never felt like an option till now.
When you called me you were telling a hobo that you couldn't spare ten bucks bc that was your beer money. All your words were slurred.
Fuck him.
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Haha he was not a poor little guy. If he'd talked to me or something I might feel bad. But since I saw him groping other girls as well as myself there's no sympathy coming from me
He's just picking out the right girl. I do the same thing with fruit. Grope them, squeeze them, smell them. I have to know I'm getting quality fruit.
Just got kicked out of two hot tubs. We were naked the second time. So awkward getting out in front of the security guard.
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
we dropped acid in chinatown. worst. idea. ever. too many colors. and nobody has any idea where steve is.
Business idea: assless chaps for toddlers. I'm high.
My mom purposely got me drunk so I can stay at her house bc "we don't spend enough time together." I blacked out anyway, so we didn't spend time together regardless.
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