I hate seeing commercials about babies when i'm high
Yeah, I don't like babies at all
pretty sure mid blowjob I told him I needed to call you and ask you if this was whore-ish. He hid my phone from me.
so, not only did she give him head while i was asleep next to them, apparently, it was bad head...
Are you serious?
yeah... as often as she does that, you'd think she'd be good at it...
You don't even understand how penises react in the cold. I'm like a 8 year old boy right now.
Just found a picture of a hobo making out with her tits...a HOBO
He somehow managed to bang-mail me last night. I woke up this morning to a voicemail from 1:54 a.m. of moaning and screaming. I now know how talented he is and how annoying I am to have sex with.
Yeah I said my new jacket was waterproof, not puke through your nose proof.
I think I hit my head on every surface in that apartment last night
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
I was woke up by the fucking Star Spangled Banner this morning. I sat up in bed and put my hand over my naked heart. I was so confused
Sent him a snap chat of him eating me out so he can relive the moment.
No way hahaha I have zero intention of adding him I wanna just join in on a three some but mostly just be there for moral support and snacks
Someone wrote "LazerSwords" on my cock last night. My erect cock. Tequila is no one's friend.
Despite how often it occurs, I have absolutely no interest in having sex with myself
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
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