I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
I can't believe I wasted a google wave invite on her.
Dude, 1 prime defect in the snuggie- you can't fuck someone discreetly under a snuggie. No way no how
Woke up wearing just a scarf, the holidays are definetly here
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Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
can you go into shock from having too many orgasms? i think i went into shock.
Not exactly sure why you felt the need to get the halloween decorations out. But waking up to 7 carved pumpkins really scares the shit out of you.
when it says do not use on the face or genital areas, it MEANS do not use on the face or genital areas.
I miss my brother. He would have fucked the fat girl for me.
I told you I would
I wouldnt do that to you. You're my actual friend
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drinking ice water after you brush your teeth, is like Antarctica blowing a load into your mouth.
Once again I am on the toilet and refuse to get up
What a great time to reflect on life
I can measure my amount of vomit in solo cups.
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
I may have just poured a honey apple beer onto a dried apple slice to rehydrate it. This is my day.
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