I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
An ad on my facebook says "don't be THAT girl". Its like it knows.
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
I forgot how hot balto sounded
you said you were a responsible adult. then you licked the wall.
I wish there were birth control emojis
That was like a fiery explosion of flailing arms and wonderful passion
Also 70% sure I have a splinter on my eyelid from last night
Send me one of your boob pics as an example. I mean this in the straightest least lesbian way possible.
I drank, I fought, I made my ancestors proud.
And then someone hit me with a pool cue
They just dared her to tape flip flops to her tits. Entertainment value cannot be found like this in any other part of America.
The three of us were sitting silently in my dining room at 4:30 am, half drunk, eating cold spaghetti and listining to death metal. I need a fucking cigarette.
I'm basically cruising around listening to 90's gangsta rap with my meatball sub telling people to go fuck themselves
Officially not baby mama #3. Celebration is in order.
OHMYGOD YOU REALLY THINK I'D BE ON OPRAH?!
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