Sorry I thought I was a lizard earlier.
can we take a shower together?
no need for the romantic shit. I'm a sure thing
His bookmark is a piece of toilet paper. No shame there.
This is so pathetic it makes me miss snorting lines alone in my room listening to 'one more drink'.
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maybe volvos are so family friendly and safe because they're extremely uncomfortable to get fucked on.
I woke up to a hotel manager knocking on my car ( window was down) and asking if I was ok
She suggested that I come visit her in Europe and hook up with the heteroflexible Korean who sits next to her in class. Polylove is the best love.
Captain Morgan didnt let me down when i stand up it feels like the world is trying to hand me rainbows.
The drunk fake out is her specialty. She'll agree to come with us and two seconds later we check to make sure she's still there and we see her booking it down the hall in the opposite direction.
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There are more dirty dishes in my bed then in the kitchen. Have I lost at life?
Pre-chapter meeting quote: "Why is there a bun literally taped to the shelf? That doesn't even make sense when you're drunk, who does that?"
Crowning achievement. I bought ranch dressing and emergency contraception.
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
Don't worry you weren't as drunk as you thought. You only fell 4 times.
I invited him to my hotel room via snapchat. I'm one hell of a classy bitch
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